[unoriginal title here]

OCTOBERRR.

I did the AIDS walk in Wilmington. MUCHO FUNNN.

But then I get sick and have to miss an entire week of school. And my mom is making me drink gatorade. HHAHA flushie tiemzz.

I'm feeling really fatigued. I had to eat a potato today, and now my mom is making me rice. Great.

FOUND THIS ON GLAMOUR.com:

Stupid but fun - designing a composite boytoy. But because I am bisexual, I decided to make one for each sex.

( Hotness under the cut... )

I was just reading a note my friend Andrea who now lives in Shanghai wrote to me..
The card is beautiful. It says, "Small Steps, Big Heart"... and then simply "Courage".

I miss her so much.

And I just binged. Fuck. Trying not to purge.

Mars candy. And meat in general. I hate the idea of a) animal testing and b) killing them for num nums.

And "freedom fries." HAHAHAHA. What? Come on, US of A. Don't be so big-headed as to think that France cared for a second that we boycotted the usage of the word "French" in French fries. And another thing: We are not America. America consists of a hell of a lot more than 50 states and some groovy jammin' territory-islands. Just say USA. Or the US. It's so much easier, actually.

Ahem. I hadn't meant for this to become Caitie's social commentary for the day. Oh well. Peace.

I'm completely vegetarian now. Enough guilt.

Thanks hun!

ED SURVEY
Height?: 5'3
Weight?: 120
Lowest Weight?: 115
Highest Weight?: 140
What weight do you want to weigh?: 107
What eating disorder do you have?: Non-purging type bulimia - overexercising; I also restrict heavily and occasionally will use lax

In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: I try to get in between 700-1100
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: No, I don't have a gag reflex...
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yes. I love Megan Fox, Leighton Meester, Coco Rocha, Tanya Dziahileva, Sasha Pivovarova and Keira Knightley.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: I play tennis during the spring, but I always go to the gym for a couple hours.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: Yeah. Some douchebag called me a blueberry because I was wearing a blue jacket...
Have you ever fasted? Yeah, although it was really just a fruit and tea thing, so I still had some calories.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: Only a few times. I try not to unless I need it.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Yeah, fashion generally motivates me to lose weight.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: No, Ipecac is serious shit.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I tried to ignore my ED, but yeah... not so much.

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: Yes
What part of your body would you change?: Legs, stomach, butt.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 5. I know I have a pretty and unique face, but I wish I were taller and thinner. And the self hate isn't just about my body.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: Sometimes, it shares the spotlight with my grades...
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: Yes, but a lot of my ED has come from my depression, tbh.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: Yeah.

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough?: Almost everything I eat is health food. Unless it's fucking ice cream.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: I'm morbidly afraid to eat ANYTHING.
Fat grams?: Yes.
Calories?: Calories suck balls. And I count them like my life depends on it.
Are you often tired/fatigued?: Oh, god yes.
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: Sometimes, if I have a salad or fish or something. But if I binge, I just feel like a fat whore.
Do you eat meat?: I'm a pescaterian, so only fish. But I'm giving up fish when I go to college next year.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Hehe, I have little rituals. I make it last really long by cutting it really small and moving it around.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: I look tired, apparently.
Have you ever thrown up blood?: No.
Is your heart bpm above 49?: It's normal.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: I've never fainted, but I've been close. I'm hypoglycemic, so I make sure I have a little something when I really need it.

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: I think it accelerates things.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: I love PA, but some sites are screwed up. I think support is so important.
Do you have any other mental disorders? Depression, anxiety, perfectionism
What's your favourite food to eat?: Peanut butter, salmon, pizza (NY style or brick oven).
Favourite drink?: tea (green, mango, white, chai)
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: I wish I was normal.
Do you want to recover?: Honestly? No. Not yet.

I love this movie. It's called Sharing the Secret, and it's about a girl named Beth (Alison Lohman) who is a lot like me, actually. Always having to please people, a perfectionist... and that translates to an eating disorder. In her case, bulimia. I purge in a different way than her, by overexercising. But I still relate to her.


watch it.

In other Caitie news, I've started my application process. I'm so scared to write these essays, even though I'm a really good writer, that... I don't know, I'm procrastinating. Again.

God, I'm such a fuck up.

... and I have to say, while they were missing... so much stuff, it was still a really well done movie. The photography was stunning, featuring easily the best cinematography of the series, and the acting was mostly very good.
( Rants and giggles. )

BACK FROM JAPAN.

If you ever get the chance to go there, GO. It's so beautiful and the people are so kind hearted.